I can write about you in every forum except the one you might read — well, even then I might write about it, but I’d dance around your name like a fire whose warmth I want to feel without quite being burned. Yes, if you’re wondering, it’s about you. That open letter, that song lyric, that wink and nod in your direction that is not quite explicit enough to call me out on directly. I want you to see my words and be motivated enough in them to take the first step yourself because, no matter how much I want to burst into your life with the truth of exactly how I feel about you, I know that I am not going to.
You would likely be upset if you knew how much I thought of you, how much what you are doing with your life factors into my daily routine. The world tells us we are supposed to live in cold, disparate camps of “together” and “separate” — but what about those who fall into neither category? No, we are not together. No, there is no part of you that I can lay claim to and nothing I am within my rights to demand, but are we really separate? Is the degree to which you have touched my life unimportant because it hasn’t been sealed with some kind of title?
And “I miss you” — is that only appropriate to someone who has left, someone you imagine will come back or at least longs to do so? What about the people who have never fully entered our lives, who have passed by it like a shiny car driving just slowly enough to get a glimpse at the people inside? Are we allowed to miss someone whose presence we sensed in our very bones, someone every fiber of our body told us we should have reached out to but did not? Is there an acceptable way to phrase “a nostalgia for something that never quite happened,” or is that a sentiment which is relegated to the pathetic spectators of life?
We praise honesty the way we praise kindness, and a lie of omission is still a lie. So I suppose, by that definition, I am lying to you each day that passes in which I do not say “I think about you, I wish I could talk to you, I wish my fear was something I could put aside and forget for even a moment.” I don’t mean to lie, you know. In a perfect world, I would be the kind of person who feels something with great conviction and acts upon it with unerring focus, who is sure of themselves in a way that radiates confidence and puts others at ease. If I were this kind of person, I would have come to you so long ago. I would have told you everything I really felt.
You and I both know that what I wanted to say was “Every time I see you from across the room and don’t talk to you, it is a punch in the stomach which reminds me just how much of a coward I can be.”
But I have long since accepted that I am a coward of this nature, that I am happy to write letters to myself instead of sit down with the one person who needs to listen. I will listen to music which at once dulls the more acute pains of not having the courage to be honest with you and allows me to imagine the life I could have if I did. I will lie awake some nights, looking at your name, only a click away. I will hover over your name and consider writing you, finally getting everything out that I feel dirty for not having said, and accept that even a flat “no” is preferable to hanging suspended in the unknown. But then I won’t, and I’ll pretend as though it never crossed my mind. And you will ask me how I am at a party some day, and look at me as though you really want to know, and I will say “I am fine.”
from Thought Catalog
You taught me many things about myself, about what it means to love and care even in the face of cold indifference. There were glimpses of compassion and understanding, sure, but I have no doubts as to the dynamics of our interactions.
I was always chasing, and you barely had to move to stay out of my reach. Those moments of affection, without which the whole ordeal would have seemed worthless, became like tiny flecks of gold found in near-endless piles of soot and rubble. If I could only keep digging, I thought, I would eventually uncover something beautiful - something I needed to believe existed between us. I never did, of course. There was never a deeper level to our story than what you allowed on the surface. In that way, I admit that you were decent. You were upfront, and never explicitly promised more than you would ultimately be prepared to give. It was almost entirely me, weaving elaborate tapestries of double-speak and hidden meaning that spelled out only the things I wanted to hear.
There was nothing I couldn’t mistinterpret for my own desire, my own need to be needed by someone in whom I invested so deeply.
from Thought Catalog
Fuck these feelings. Seriously!!!! Ughh
All this time I still wonder whether you really liked me or you were just testing to see if I’ll fall for you. At that time it felt real. Everything felt real. Everything I somehow dreamt things to be, were actually happening to me, yes, not to strangers, not to my friends but to me. And I was happy. Though it took me a while to admit to myself that I was actually happy. I actually waited til it’s too late to appreciate what I have at that time.
I get so jealous when I see you comfortable with other girls. I hate you for being such a flirt to her. And this causes me think that all that we had before was a lie.
Ahhh Im going crazy
It was the first time today after so many days that we had a decent conversation. I missed you so much. I miss how close and comfortable we are with each other. I miss how we just laugh and smile at each other. I miss you. I miss you and I miss you.
Earlier this afternoon you walked past me, hitting my shoulder. I felt your hand holding mine(for a second) and I was surprised that I did almost the same thing. I know I shouldn’t be this happy with what happened but I am. Why did you do that?
I hate you for always giving me emotional roller coaster ride. And I hate how I hate and like you all at the same time.
Why can’t you just stay this way forever?
Monday! Waited for the sunset that never came haha
June 7, 2013
Night out with college friends after work :)
Im actually surprised with how easily I get annoyed with the little irritating things you do. ARTE!!!!!!
Such a feeler. Really annoying!!!
Always easier said than done
It just hurts how I can feel the changes between us. And it hurts more that I am reminded of these changes every single day. And everyday I tell myself, “just a little more time. A little more time and you won’t feel the pain anymore. A little more time and maybe you would eventually get used to the pain” but nothing happens. Things dont get better. I first counted days, weeks, and now months and I can’t believe how I’ve wasted so many months clinging to these feelings, clinging to you.
It hurts how you are doing so good with all these changes.
I actually hope we didn’t have to know each other. I regret everything that happened between you and me. I regret it everyday.
And I hate you for everything you did. I hate you for making me feel wanted, making me feel special, for leading me on and watching me fall. I fucking hate you for being your selfish arrogant self.
Fuck these feelings
Just a little more time.
Cant wait for the day that none of these affect me anymore
Ughh I HATE this feeling. Please please guide me :(
I should actually be happy today. But instead I feel like Im so emotionally damaged.
LORD HELP ME :(
Keep calm and pray
Only a real friend can tell youre sad even though youre smiling.
Only a real friend can tell youre sad even though youre smiling.
Stop assuming and judging please :) Always and forever annoying.
It is kinda surprising how much hate i have on you right now. Well, not really my fault. :)
I cant believe this.
It would be nice to talk to someone who actually responds in a nice way.
F you and your attitude. It’s always like I have to guess whether youre in the mood to talk or not.
New haircut! :)
Give me patience. Please.
Fucking annoying everyday!!!!!
Sometimes even stuff you expect to happen can still hurt.
I dont like this :( Help me pleaseeee. Yoko naaa :(
A person who doesn’t care about you is not necessarily a bad person. It’s just that they are not attached to you. Maybe they have enough people in their life to care about. Maybe there are things about you they don’t like that they have never mentioned. Occasionally, they are just a selfish and uncaring person. Sometimes there is no real reason. But it is important to really think about the people who care about you and the people who don’t. Because when you care for someone, you invest in them. What happens to them affects you, and their lack of care will hurt you. So cherish the people who care about you, and do not invest your time, and your heart, into people who do not.
“Of course, you can’t exactly see emotional scars on someone’s face, can you?”
“I think maybe you care more than you want to admit it.”
Allowing yourself to get emotionally invested in someone or something that has a blatant danger is kind of asking for bad news.
By Chelsea Fagan via Thought Catalog
There is a specific feeling which exists only when you run into someone about whom you had long forgotten. It’s probably most palpable when it’s an ex, but it can happen with friends who were once particularly close. It is comparable to a scab that seems to have been on your skin forever — a scrape which was once quite painful but has been so long in the healing process that you no longer notice its presence when you wash over it in the shower. You peel it off almost out of boredom and suddenly there is a drop or two of blood, something that vaguely resembles the wound it once was, now too distant to really cause any discomfort. These people are wounds which have healed over, which have never quite turned into scars but which have become just another part of your lived-in body.
Letting someone go — when it is a necessary act of self-preservation, something that has to come if you expect to move forward in life — is regarded as a kind of victory. You have successfully overcome an emotional trauma that once surrounded you like a kind of fog which prevented you from ever seeing the sun. People will tell you, always with the best intentions, that one day you are going to wake up and realize that you are okay, and your life is not immediately over because they are no longer a part of it. And this is true, though it’s not the net positive that we are so quick to label it as. Because it’s not as though you simply wake up one day and proclaim yourself fine, suddenly hearing birds chirp and children laugh after months of only your own oppressive silence. You simply start to forget, feeling the acute pain of the loss less and less as each day goes on. There will come a day when you don’t care, but you won’t notice it, because you will have other things to think about.
But in order to let that pain go, in order to remove this person from the place of power they have occupied for so long, you must let everything go. Perhaps in a very distant future, you will be able to pick and choose the memories you want to keep, but for a very long time, one memory will always bleed into another. You cannot simply think about the time the two of you sat on the beach for an entire night, talking about your childhood, drinking the second-least-expensive wine you could find in the store. Because when you allow yourself to think about that, it will remind you of them as a whole, and will lead into all of the terrible things that happened after that night — not the least of which being their eventual departure. They exist within us as whole people, stories with beginnings and endings, and in order to let go of them we cannot choose the things we want to isolate for nostalgia.
We have to stop caring what they would think if they saw us, stop worrying about running into them in the store, stop obsessing over the things we could have done differently to make them stay. And that means letting go of everything they meant to us, proving to ourselves that life can be just as good, just as beautiful, without them in it. When you realize, long after the fact, that you no longer care about someone — that what they are doing in life has no bearing on you, and vice versa — it feels very much like a small death. Who they were with you no longer exists, and you cannot even preserve it in your memory, for the sake of your own mental health.
March 4, 2013 8:42pm
Lord help me please :( I dont like this feeling. I need You. Guide me please :(
It’s a dramatic question, I know. Of course you see me, physically speaking. I’m a person who exists in your life, if only on the periphery, and I’m not going to magically disappear because you don’t take the time to notice who I am. But I have this feeling that you have a sort of selective vision, that you’re happy to come in and out of things with me because to invest any further would mean committing yourself to something — and we certainly can’t have that. When you speak to me for a few precious days, acknowledging my existence, I can almost convince myself that you really do see me, that you know I’m here. But then you retreat back into your comfortable silence, your precious distance, and I am reminded that you don’t.
You are simply able to forget about me, to render me invisible, a dot on the horizon that you can take a pleasant stroll to visit when it is convenient. I am not in your inner circle, nowhere near enough to cause you actual harm. It’s easier to keep me out here because it will never imply your real involvement, you will never sign a contract whose terms we both know you’re not willing to fulfill. So I sit here, yelling at the top of my lungs to get you to turn around, waving flares against the night sky and shouting your name. You might turn around, but you’ll never really look at me.
With you, it often feels like those dreams where you want to say something — want to scream, want to get a point across, want to be heard — and your open mouth refuses to make a sound. There is some incredibly small, seemingly simple task you want to accomplish and you just can’t do it for whatever reason. There is an invisible barrier there, something keeping you from attaining your goals and making yourself understood. And you try and try, failing over and over again, waking up just before you can achieve it. I am running towards you, and you never get closer. You always remain at the same frame of distance, always with your back to me, always just out of reach.
It’s easy to forget me. It’s easy to pretend that I’m not here when you don’t want to see me. And I can see how it must be tempting, how it must stroke your ego and remind you that you have power over people whose existence you barely consider. But someday this may happen to you. Someday someone might look right through you and all you want to mean to them. And I hope that, when it happens, you remember that you did it, too. Because maybe then you’ll understand that it’s better to be completely naked and totally understood than covered up and easily ignored.
From Thought Catalog
What ever happened to the old you?
I fucking hate u right now
I dont want that feeling back. I know this is better. Please. I dont want to suffer anymore. I know it’s all where my mind’s at.
Can I be contented. Pleeease.
December 30, 2012
December 29, 2012
Starr’s Famous Milkshakes & Brickfire :)